Observations on Long Distance Relationships from an Unbiased Third Party

First, lets be clear, I don't want to claim any false credentials on this subject; frankly, I've never been in a long distance relationship, and contrary to what the (catchy) title suggests, I'm obviously biased in some way because I'm motivated to write an opinion piece on the matter. So, with those disclaimers out of the way, this is what I have say which is about what I think which is in no way fact, correct, reputable or even possibly relevant. But I'm going to say it anyway.

Seeing as all of my friends here are between the ages of 22 and 32 (22 and 32 being the outliers), they are all at very different places in their lives with someone else's life than I am. Most of them are in long distance relationships. A few are engaged, and a few more already married. The ones who aren't are thinking about it, and I'm just incredibly intrigued and quiet on the matter because it's not something I'm really going to be *thinking* about for at least another 10 years. But even though I'm not thinking about marriage, I do think about their relationships a lot, and their marriages and troubles and successes and frankly, their bravery. Without even directly being involved in a long distance relationship, I've some how managed to still have a change of heart on the matter.

If I'm honest, I really didn't believe in long distance until recently. In fact, I was the girl who actively said no to long distance whenever it was offered up, mostly from a rational standpoint, but also a little from a stubborn mentality. I just never felt like it was a good idea, that people should be together to be together. In a pretentious way I judged people who were in long distance relationships, telling myself I had the common sense that they lacked and that I knew something they didn't. And it was all from a naive and self-affirming standpoint, because I didn't actually have any experience or even really evidence with which to make such harsh judgments. And so, as I'm here and the evidence in favor of long distance is playing out before me like a colorful parade, I'm forced to exhale my prejudice and surrender to an entirely different sentiment on the whole matter. I think couples that have the individual independence and motivation to embark on separate and often very distant journeys are incredibly brave. I think there's something so incredible about being supportive of someone so thoroughly that you can recognize and encourage them to pursue passions that happen to be very far away from where you are, for 6 months or even 6 years. To never undermine or try to contain what makes them an individual and the adventures and opportunities they feel they have to take in order to build self and help them feel as individual as possible. To say I love you not just because of who are you right now, but because of where you need to go and what you still need to become. And it's not easy. Most of my friends are this brave, but it's a battle. And even though the fights involve two people, it seems to me that most of the time the people involved are fighting against themselves more than they are fighting their partner.

Something that I've noticed is how dangerous and difficult it is for couples when all the information can't be there. Most of the time, when two people who are together are also physically together, they are pretty caught up on each other. They don't have to debrief thoroughly on how a day has gone or what their weekend was exactly like or where they are and with whom because chances are their partner is there, or is around enough and involved enough to kind of know. But when they are separated by thousands of miles, the little things get lost. And the way we measure big events and big deals is in comparison to little deals and smaller events. A big fight is only a big fight because it feels bigger and more serious than the little tussles and disagreements that preceded it. But when two people who usually know the sleeping sounds of one another are far apart, communication just simply can't be as frequent or as transparent. If you only have one hour each week to talk to someone you're used to breathing in time with, then when you do talk, it automatically becomes a big deal. Because the perspective is lost, any fight is a big one and any happy moment is the happiest. One of my friends here was talking about her boyfriend at home and she said that she just constantly feels like they might break up or they might get married, with nothing in between. And I think that's because the in between would be morning coffee, or a walk home, or dinner with friends, or reading in the same room, or naps, or groceries, or a goodnight kiss. But when you're apart, you can't spend what limited time you have on the Skype call or the international phone call or the email in between work telling your partner about each detail of your day. You tell them about the important things, you discuss the big decisions, the big losses or the big wins. So suddenly little deals are lost to the winning briefcase on Deal or no Deal, so it's all a big deal.

The other thing that has intrigued me is how far is far enough to call it out, and say, "yes, we're long distance". A friend from high school is taking a year abroad in London from the university in LA. Her partner goes to school in New York and is taking a year abroad in Spain. Miraculously, on their international trips abroad, they are actually closer together than they are when they are at home. So study abroad experience which usually causes a make or break for couples on the long distance front has brought them closer. And they are making visits and making the most of the fact they are long but not as long distance. One of my colleagues here excitedly showed me a picture of her fiancé and told me the wedding date was set another two years from now. She's 22 and they have been engaged for six years. I asked her if they lived together or saw each other often. She said yes, they saw each other quite often. He came over once a week on Friday for a chaperoned dinner with her mother. And that's what made her happy and what is normal for her. And I thought about the cultural difference there; for some American (and other nationalities I'm sure), a chaperoned dinner once a week would be like a long distance relationship. I know people who live 45 minutes apart who are long distance, and I know people who live 4,500 miles apart and are separated by language, culture, and family obligations and expectations who are long distance. I also know married couples living under the same roof that are long distance.

But it doesn't always work. I thought I had figured out the rough criteria that allows the long distance go the distance. It went something like this: Two people, regardless of how far apart they are, can make it work as long as they

·      Are apart for less than a decade

·      Have some form of semi-frequent communication

·      Have established boundaries and trust

·      Get the opportunity to visit one another (even just ever so briefly)

·      Are flexible; things happen, to both parties, and things change

·      (most importantly) Have decided and agreed upon the time when they will be together. Where and how and, most importantly, when. So that the long distance isn’t just a dream being pulled out too far, so that two people will actually get the chance to be in the same place off a screen. So that there is an end goal.

However, equations and maps and formulas never work where people are concerned. Because people are messy and unpredictable and fiercely emotional. And that’s why we love them. Because even though I thought I had mapped out what it took, I’ve met beautiful people who did those things and better, and then when they got home or got to the when, and saw their partner and got to remember all the little details about them that get fuzzy because of bad pixilation on Skype or simply just time, it was blissful and it was everything they thought they’d been waiting for. But after two weeks or two months or however long, it all fell apart. Because even though they’d talked and tried to be together as much as they could while being apart, they’d also grown, and that led to growing apart. And/or sometimes it’s just that there was so much anticipation and longing to be with them that that became a more powerful emotion than actually being with them. I’ve had friends tell me that all of a sudden they realized that they loved their partner better from afar. The thought of waiting all that time and staying in touch and working it out only to have it fall apart in your hands as they finally come together seems devastating, and to me, like a bloody waste of good time. But real people with real experience who lived it instead of writing about it usually tell me that yeah, it does suck, but yeah, it was also worth it. Because that person had to be a part of your world even if it turns out they can’t be a part of your life.

So, I guess there’s no secret. It’s not a code that can be cracked. There’s no right or wrong way to go about it. You just have to go about it. And I don’t know how and I know that one-day I’ll probably have to try for longer than a month (which is the only experience I have) and that terrifies me. So for now I’m just going to observe and try and learn or at least listen. Because in a funny way, having friends who are like minded, who share morals, and are involved in work and lifestyles that you someday hope to emulate, is kind of like watching how your life might play out. At 19 I can walk with who I might be at 22, eat with who I might be at 26, laugh with who I might be at 28, confide in who I might be at 30, and travel with who I might be at 32. It would be an honor to grow to be like any of them, and a gift to learn to be like all of them.