A Study in Families

Dear Single Parents,
(Past, present, future, single for 18 years or even just a week)

       You have my utmost respect. You always have, but now more than ever. I was in the kitchen today with a sick 16 month old baby on my hip, while trying to make dinner, and there was a three-year-old sitting on my feet. And the little one wiped snot on my sweater while the bigger one pulled off my socks while I burned my fingers on pasta. And they are lovely little girls. They very rarely cry, much less than the other little people I know, they smile lots and they listen when you say 'no'. But it's still extremely challenging. How do you put them to bed? You need enough time to get the baby settled down and quiet and rock and sing her to sleep. So the three year old needs to stay occupied long enough for the baby to go down. But that's a big thing to ask a three year old to do all by herself. So right as the baby is drifting off, the three year old really needs something or is too bored or needs help using the toilet or is hungry, and so the baby wakes and you have to start all over. And there is just one of you. If you need a minute to send an email, make dinner or even pee, you could turn on the TV. But a 16 month old isn't interested in TV just yet. If you need to pop out to get groceries, you can't just leave the kids, everyone has got to get their coats and wellies and hats on, and the stroller has to come out and you'd better bring a diaper bag just for good measure. 'Pop out' is no longer an accurate term. Your au pair who is supposed to be there to help you contracts some mysterious and serious eye infection and so Saturday morning you've got her and both kids waiting for ages in the Accident and Emergency room in the local hospital. And you're a single parent, so you probably work full time to support your family. Your kids are in nursery and day care but you feel guilty about that but it has to be done and good lord is it expensive. And so your life becomes work and kids. And it's worth it and they are wonderful and so full of love. But even that doesn't make it easy. Single parents, you have my respect, and with respect, I never want to be one of you.

Love,
Pia

   Much to my surprise, my gap year has been a study in families as much as it has been a study in self.
I feel as if I'm quite far off from the "settling down" and having kids part of my life, but for some reason  leaving home has made me think about it more than ever. Family usually means the family you know and love, but the farther you go the more you experience and learn from what other people call family and how they do it. And I think it's most interesting when they do it very differently from the way you did. Much to my alarm, I find myself thinking things like "I think I'd like to do that with my kids..." or "I wonder if my kids will react like that..." or "I'm going to make that a rule in my house...", nearly on a daily basis. Throughout Hawaii and certainly in England now, I've met and observed lots of different kinds of parents. Parents who make it point to never actually say no to their kids, parents who always say no, parents who spent all their time with their kids, parents who can only spend a little bit, parents who say no to television, and parents who say television...yes. And yet through all my observations, I can't really say that I've determined that there is one best way to do it. In the history of families, it seems that new parents are usually trying to do one of two extremes; they either intend to raise their children just like their parents raised them, or they intend to raise their children entirely differently and retain nothing from the way they were raised. I don't think either of those scenarios ever really play out entirely. I remember my childhood as a happy thing and I feel as if I have a fairly healthy relationship with my parents. That being said, there are aspects of the way that I was raised that I don't intend to focus on when I become a parent. With complete respect for the lovely people who raised me, I always kind of liked the expression "aim to be better than your parents", because it represented a challenge and the idea that each generation was making progress and moving forward to become greater than the last. But the more I think about it, the more that seems unfair to the parents. As well as putting a certain amount of pressure on the offspring...Perhaps it would be better to go with the idea that you should just aim to be different from your parents. I'm sure that the further I go from home, the more I'll witness how parenting is cultural, situational, educational, and above all, personal.

Non-Urgent Disclaimer

     I don't know who reads this poorly edited account of my gap year. I started writing it for me, and conveniently my parents read it. And then some other people told me they read it. And some others. And knowing that maybe someone besides my mom was reading was actually thrilling and motivating. But I also developed this fear of boring my readers (though few and mysterious). And so with that irrational need to please in mind, I'm writing a brief warning here. Hawaii was an island adventure full of daring acts and first times and hooliganism. England is cold and homey. I live a much more domestic lifestyle here. And I love it; spending time with relatives and kids is just what I wanted. But it's also a little harder to write about and entertain with. Wiping noses is not exactly comparable to cliff jumping. But to me, they are equally rewarding. So sorry I guess, I don't mean to bore you. But I want to remember this trip as it happened, and that means nose wiping and tea and nattering will likely be included. I'll throw in hella pictures to sweeten the deal, pinky promise.

Arts and Culture and Stuff

Current Location: Leeds
Length of stay: 11 days
Host: Diane Nelson
Purpose: Au pair and explore Leeds

     However, before I was in Leeds I was staying with my second-cousin-who-I-call-my-auntie in Hampton. And Hampton is very close to London and London has cool things in it including, at the time, actor and web and mobile developer Ulysses Popple (if you'd like to hire him for either of these services, he'e excellent). Even though I had been living and enjoying a very domestic lifestyle at home with the kids and Lynn and tea and avoiding cold weather, I got my act and layers together and met my friend in London.

   We started out with a VIP-ish tour of Shakespeares Globe theater because my second-cousin-in-law-who-call-my-uncle works there. Long story short, it was dope. Fun facts: the Globe is built as accurately as possible to the original theater from Shakespearean times; thatched roof and all! Though it was completed in 1996, no power tools were used in any of the construction in order to try and preserve it's authenticity. The standing room holds 700 people and the tickets go for the bargain price of 5 pounds, rain or shine. The ceiling on the stage looks like this (long story short: the whole thing is beautiful):

After the globe experience and a spot of lunch, we moved on to the Tate Modern. Now I don't intend to insult any art enthusiasts and my lack of understanding can certainly be attributed to my lack of education. But here's how it is for me with modern art. The artist can lay out his/her masterpiece and explain how it represents the extraordinary process of becoming aware that one's soul is not just an idea but that it is a tangible being that inhabits space and is an undying companion. And I can hear all that and take their word for it, but it doesn't mean that I can see it when I look at a 12 foot canvas that is painted entirely blue. With that being said, I still very much enjoy perusing modern art. Sometimes I'm in awe at it's scale, the ingenuity of the design, the creativeness involved, and sometimes I just enjoy embracing my inner child when masterpieces look too much like fecal matter or are undeniably phallic. I don't think it's a crime; I still had a great time running around the enormous old turbine building that is the Tate. Some favorites:

 rocksincirclesinrockincirclesinrocksincircles

 Minimalist garden wall

 So proud of Cole for having his work up at the Tate! 

 ....poopy!

 Wall-E!

 Jumping Jelly Fish!

 Had nightmares about this one...

Love

Just because I don't understand, doesn't mean I can't appreciate

Bushy Park

And the high quality phone pictures are back!

 Heathrow can't do snow...almost couldn't land. They closed the whole deal for 600 flights...

 Nevada...?

Lynn and Anthony!

Selfish Thoughts over the Atlantic Ocean

            Independence is a mixed blessing. Out in the world, with nothing but your backpack, your meager savings, and your wits, you are responsible for you and only you. You are responsible for your decisions, your actions, your successes and your failures. It’s equally liberating and terrifying. There is something so eye opening about being set loose, without family and friends and community who expect, require and hope for things from you. You set your own goals and decide your own successes. And when you succeed, oh what a feeling. To be able to stand up and say, “I did this. No one else, just me”, it brings on a sense of accomplishment that you can’t find at home when your parents are paying, your friends helping, or your school is setting it up. The independent triumph can be something as simple as finding the correct address, or buttering toast or remembering sunscreen, but it’s all yours. But independence doesn’t just apply to successes. You are set loose without family and friends and community. So when you get lost, lose your luggage, get sun burnt, get mugged, act stupid, insult someone, or get scammed, played, let down and pooped on, it’s on you. You have to be able to stand up and say, “I did this. No one else, just me”. And then you have to get up, get over the fact that no one is coming to save you, and decide what the hell you are going to do about it. Just you, no one else.

            This is my gap year. Just mine. I’m self-financing the whole thing. I planned each leg of my journey, decided how long and with whom and what and where. And so naturally I feel like I have a lot to prove. Every time I conquer a fear or challenge, I really feel like the achievement belongs to me and me alone. Likewise, when I fall, I’m falling on my own ass. But it’s ok. I feel like I know pretty well what my boundaries are, what I’m comfortable with. And so naturally I planned a lot of this trip to be way the heck outside of those boundaries. I’m not daring myself to fail; rather, I’m daring myself to succeed. Because if I do, hella points for Pia.

            I will be gone for 139 days. Five weeks in England and then three whopping months in India.  I unconsciously (though rather brilliantly) set up my gap year so that each piece was slightly more independent than the last. First third was Hawaii, which is domestic and English speaking and I went with my champion and loving supporter, Claire Fahrner. Second third is England, I’m going alone and staying with some people I’ve never met, but I’ve been before, have family there and everyone still speaks English. Final third is India. I’m going alone, I’ve never been before, I speak none of the languages, I know one person in the whole country and I’m working a real job for a real foundation. Working my way up to the deep unknown. And it’s scary as shit. But I’ve been given an opportunity to do something out of the ordinary, and I intend to give it my best shot. I’m terrified, but I so want to go and try because I am excited about this on a whole new level. It’s like high stakes poker after go fish. It’s the big thing. It’s the big, unknown, scary, wonderful, independent thing.

At the end of the day, what matters most to me is that I am spending this year doing things that I want to do and that are important to me. I’m not in this for recognition or credit and obviously not money (lmao at that one!). I’m doing this because I needed a break from school, I knew I had some things to learn, and I was offered some beautiful opportunities. I sat myself down and said “I know you’re scared shitless, but you’d be a fool not to try”.  So this is me trying. Trying to do something more than average, to learn more than what a classroom teaches, to push what I can handle, and of course, to learn how to fail, all by myself.